i'm signing you up for texting rehab
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
