You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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