how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Randomize
