Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
