when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
ok this is the part where i go up stairs and pass out incoherently untill 6 30 tommaorw morning and not rember any of this. love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize
