I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
