just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
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