Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
Randomize