I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Randomize