I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Randomize
