I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
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