I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Randomize
