Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
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