The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Can I use cash for clunkers to trade in her boobs for a new set of 18 year old tits?
Its worth a shot.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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