Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
