i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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