im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Josh has a goal of being naked in every RAs room this year. He's already 3/11.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
