Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
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