I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
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