"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Randomize
