my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Pooping to opera.
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