Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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