Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
