he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Randomize
