She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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