Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
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