You did that once after drunk driving from a photo shoot
That was very cool/italian of you
Which brings me to my next point, how come italians are so well adapted to drunk driving
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Randomize
