His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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