Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
I need a hoe opinion
go on
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Randomize