I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
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