So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
