The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
