When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Randomize
