I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Randomize
