I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Its only 8 and she is already passed out
Perfect here is wht u do. Gently slip your index middle and ring finger into her butt hole but gently u dont wnt to wake her..let me know when ur ready for step 2
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
