I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Randomize
