i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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