I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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