i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
