She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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