pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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