Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Randomize
