Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
is wine microwaveable?
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
