I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
yea..i want to get out of new york for a bit too but for the love of god not to new jersey. that's like getting tired of the stripclub and getting yourself a toothless prostitute.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
