why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Randomize
