I wish I could teleport
I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
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