I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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