what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Randomize
