If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
