It was still light ouot when we were walking up Pier Ave and she kept asking if she could suck my nipples.
what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize
