i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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