Yo I charged a $20 breakfast to ur room, will pay u back in liquor and schoolgirl panties, thx again for a fun time
I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She giggled?
She liked it
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Randomize
