I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
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