I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
Randomize
