we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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