Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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