After last night, I could never be a politician.
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Randomize
