'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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