I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
Do you have feelings for this penis?
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
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