we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Randomize
