First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
