Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
Randomize
