I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
