I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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