Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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