Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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