It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
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